Identity
by t1gerl1ly
Summary: Alec POV, from when he and Magnus first meet, and his experience with figuring himself out.


I didn't know why I felt so guilty. I felt guilty every time I pulled my eyes away from Jace, or any other guy. But I couldn't be gay. I _couldn't_ be! A _real _Shadowhunter wasn't gay. The night of the party, I was feeling really vulnerable. I had looked away from several posters of mundane bands with guys in it, and was always thinking about Jace, and not in the _parabatai _way. Loving your _parabatai_ was illegal, but anyway, I wasn't feeling like that. I was just pinning my misery on liking Jace. When Isabelle came in to tell me to get dressed, I yelled at her. "Isabelle, go away! I'm not going, okay! Leave it alone!"

"No. It's not okay, Alec. You're just moping around being miserable. A _real_ Shadowhunter would go. Get dressed." She snapped back.

"A real Shadowhunter wouldn't be gay, either! I'm not going." Isabelle's voice softened.

"Alec, it doesn't matter whether you're gay or not. A real Shadowhunter isn't dependant on its sexual orientation." I looked down, then walked forward and hugged her. She pulled back, surprised. After pulling back, she smiled and winked. "Now, get dressed." I grinned, and nodded.

At the door of the house, I tried to look bored. I wasn't sure how this "Magnus Bane" guy would look, and I was _not _going to distracted today. I was a Shadowhunter, after all. Then the door opened. I immediately zoned out. This guy was _gorgeous_! I was spellbound until I realized I wanted to know what he was saying. "...Must have been drunk. Well, come on in." I followed Jace in, trying not to stare. The rest of the party was terrible. I was just trying not to stare at the warlock. When we were finally leaving, he was talking to everyone, then he looked at me and winked. That wink was the shiny-est wink ever. "... And as for you, call me?"

I was surprised. But, after a few days of thinking that he was joking, I decided to go. If he was joking, it would be okay, maybe. I rang the doorbell, stomach in my throat, praying on the Angel he was in and wasn't joking. "WHO DARES DISTURB THE HIGH WARLOCK AT WORK?"

"Um, it's Alec Lightwood. Can I come in?"

"Why, hello. Of course you may." And the buzzer rang, signaling the unlocking of the door. As I walked in, a cat rubbed against my calves. "Chairman Meow! Don't bother Alexander!" I smiled. "Oh, it's okay. I like cats." Magnus grinned.

"Good. I like that you like cats. I also like cats." I was a little taken aback at how freely he was flirting with me. He moved a little closer. My heart rate escalated the closer he got. Soon, he was right in front of me. I had thought he had gold eyes, like Jace, but he was so close right now that I saw that he actually had gold-green cat eyes. They were beautiful, just like the rest of him. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I wondered if I should work on dispeling it, but I decided not to. To enjoy feeling how I wanted, for once. Then, all of a sudden, he was kissing me. His lips were soft. I was going to pull away, but instead I embraced it. I was being touched, and kissed, by someone I wanted it from! This was my fantasy. A few seconds later, we were on the couch, kissing like our lives depended on it, and I knew that this was it. I didn't want any of the other boys I had thought about. "Wow, Alexander, you are an expert kisser. Do you practice?" Magnus asked, half teasing and half serious. I felt myself blushing, and wanting to kiss him more. He read my mind, and leaned in. I had been so worried that I would never have this, and then I did, and it was better than I ever imagined! We kissed for a long time. Until, sadly, my phone buzzed. It was Jace. **hey alec come on, we have patrol. Unless your busy. Like with magnus i mean ;)**

Regretfully, I told Magnus I had to go patrol

"Damn it, Jace, I was kissing! Why interrupt me?" Magnus cursed amicably, but with a real edge that made me smile. "Bye, Magnus." And I left, already missing him.

Over the next few days, I thought about Magnus. I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't tell Jace. I wasn't telling Isabelle, or Max. We saw each other, fleetingly. I missed him when I couldn't. But I could tell he was getting fed up. "Alec, are you ever going to introduce me to your parents?" Magnus demanded one day. I was scared. I didn't know how to respond. "Magnus, of course I will. Just...not yet." He just walked away, and probably for dramatics, he had a blue cloud of dust swirling around him. One day, very neer a battle, Clary said she had made a rune. "It's a rune for fearlessness." She claimed.

"Why don't we test that?" I asked, without really asking. She glared at me.

"Jace? Do you want to try?" Jace grinned.

"No, because I'm not afraid of anything." Clary looked at Isabelle. I knew Izzy would do it, so I volunteered. "Clary. I'll do it." Clary looked at me, and Jace, idiot that he is, asked:

"What are you even afraid of?" _losing Magnus,_ I thought.

"Um, spiders, I guess" is what I said. Clary touched her stele to my arm, and a familiar burning occured. After she finished, my parents walked in. I didn't feel in control as I said it, but I couldn't stop myself. "Mom? Dad? I'm seeing someone."

"Uh, Alec, are you sure this is the right time?"

"Yeah. This is a good time. I'm seeing a war-" And then I was on the ground. Magnus was staring at me, half smiling, half looking like he wanted to disappear. Jace was kneeling over me, looking worried. "Alec? Are you all right?" I sat up, groggy.

"Yeah, I'm fine. What happened." Jace glanced meaningfully back at Magnus. I nodded.

"I see. A totally random anomaly. Mom, Dad, I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed." I said, looking at Magnus. "I'm going to the library. I'm studying, so no one come in." Magnus said forcefully, glaring and Jace and Isabelle. I walked down the hall to the library. The "going to bed" thing was a ruse. I needed to talk to Magnus. He was already sitting at a table when I walked in. He put his book away suspiciously fast, so I asked him what it was. "What are you reading?" I asked carefully. "_How To Get Your Boyfriend To Like You Again." _I raised an eyebrow.

"Really?" I asked him sceptically.

"Yes really. Look." He showed me the book, and it was _How To Get Your Boyfriend To Like You Again. _"Magnus, I like you. I just… got nervous." I took one step forward. "I freaked, because I thought the right thing to do was to hide myself. I will introduce you to Jace-" Magnus cut me off. "Alec. Jace knows me."

"I know. But I'll introduce you to him as my boyfriend, and my parents too. And Isabelle and Clary." Magnus looked sad.

"Alec, what if I don't want that? What if I want to leave, because you hurt me too bad? What then?" I was crestfallen.

"Then… I understand. I don't want it, but it's your choice." I was really sad, but I did understand. All of a sudden, his lips were on mine.

"I want it. Very, very, much." He murmured against my mouth. There was a creak, and Isabelle walked in. Magnus put his hand in mine and said: "Do you mind? We were settling differences here." Isabelle grinned, and walked out.

"Watch out for Jace!" She called. I growled after her retreating back.


End file.
